I was sleeping too much, so I bought a Coke to keep me awake during the day. I guess there is no perfect mental state. Just accept and roll with it. I was the only customer in the market a bit ago. “Magic Man” by Heart was on the radio, followed by Tears for Fears. I wore my straw fedora for the fun of it. I met the same old man walking with a cane on the street. We always say good morning, but I don’t know his name. Before going out, I read a headline about the US not cooperating with the World Health Organization towards developing a vaccine. I believe this isolationism must come to an end. It is ridiculous for us to cut ourselves off from the rest of the world and call ourselves “great.” The world outside of America thinks we’re all very conceited and arrogant… and stupid. Why do we have to keep proving them right?… It’s forecast to be a day in the 90s. Aesop’s breakfast is almost due. He’s a great dog, the smartest I’ve ever owned. I brushed him Monday night, and he seemed to like it. Eight years old this month. We’ve been through a lot together… I should get my Rush CD this afternoon. “Can’t we raise our eyes and make a start / Can’t we find the minds to lead us closer to the heart?” “Can’t we learn to feel what’s right and what’s wrong / What’s wrong???”
I can’t read people’s minds, and nobody seems to be communicating what they’re thinking; but after revisiting my email to you regarding the last time I was in church, I begin to suspect that my reaction to the sermon was significant. And Polly also believes in a biblical apocalypse. I just think it’s bizarre how no one is talking about it. WordPress is a ghost town lately. I feel a little like Prufrock right now, except my soul is probably marked for the same fate as Baudelaire’s. Prufrock was exasperated because people don’t say what they mean, or show their nerves in patterns on a screen. But does anyone out there feel the way I do? Should I be worried? If indeed I’m the only one who expresses the same feelings, then I find it very irksome.
What do you really think in your heart of hearts about eschatology? I’m interested to know, and with a growing sense of urgency. And why aren’t people talking about it? If anything, this should be a time for everyone to come together and solve our human problems— and move on to enjoy our lives as if the world has no end. Why aren’t we doing this? We scarcely make eye contact with each other in public, if there’s such a thing anymore… But no. Christianity is such a strange thing. There’s a song by Steppenwolf called “Rock Me” with this chorus:
I don’t know where we come from
I don’t know where we’re going to
But if all this should have a reason
We would be the last to know
So let’s just hope there is a promised land
Hang on till then the best that we can
I don’t know, Suzanne. I feel like stripping naked and going streaking in the streets. Maybe then somebody would react. We’re becoming inhuman, and someone has to do something.
Meanwhile I guess I’ll listen to my Steppenwolf music.
Quarter after eight.
I just got up. Didn’t sleep very well. I hear a squirrel dancing on the roof. It’s cloudy like yesterday and it will probably clear up this afternoon. The perfect kind of summer day. Apple News was full of the coronavirus again. I mostly don’t think about it. The discovery of a vaccine will be a wonderful thing, but otherwise, what can I do? Helping at the food pantry is about all. Trying to remain optimistic. On the sidewalk around the corner from me, someone has been chalking messages. One of them was about music being key. Things feel pretty discordant, so harmony would be the antidote. Loving your neighbor as yourself is not just a commandment, it is a fact of biology. We all share the same genetic code. Life is diverse but also united. Even Christians and atheists should be able to get along. “We share the same biology / Regardless of ideology.” …I owe Aesop his snacks. Every day it’s easier to communicate with him. I forget that he’s a quadruped. He is a perfectly rational animal. Plato believed that the world is imbued with an essence of reason, and Emerson carried the same torch. Then from Emerson on down to Faulkner there’s increasing incertitude about the order of the cosmos… “But all the other teachings that have tried were about the same / One grain of truth mixed with confusion caused by man / Sits around here anyway, may as well get you back on your feet again.” I’m just spewing cabbage stumps this morning. I’d try doing a Coke, but caffeine is a drug, and it doesn’t agree with me very well. Wiser to avoid it and just muddle my way through.
I never did hear from Mike or Ron this weekend, so I guess practice didn’t happen. Today I have a phone appointment with my insurance agent. I’m going to ask him about the cost of earthquake insurance. Also I can think about buying a used car for getting around town. It would be convenient for gigs… I just read the Apple News headlines in disgust and trashed the email. I know that Mike sees such scaremongering and gets three times as paranoid as before. People have a huge problem when fear so greatly outweighs love. Hence the importance of Ulysses this month, a book about love that transcends barriers. If only people treated each other like the big family that Joyce envisioned… No word from my pen pal yet this morning. I wonder if she’s in a funk lately?
Seven o’clock. I sense a descent into depression because nobody else is happy either. The whole world is pretty down in the dumps.
Eight thirty. I went and bought some blackberry revel ice cream for immediate gratification. It was very fresh and fluffy. But I still don’t feel very good. What I want is love, but it’s always too much to ask. Love or let me be lonely— the old sweet song. And yet everyone feels the same way, and just keeps marching along like wooden soldiers. Silence like a cancer grows. And the sign flashed out its warning in the words that it was forming…
Eleven thirty five. It’s been a rather productive day, while still being relaxed and low key. My dog, as smart as he is, learns to roll with my routines. He understands more than I know, and I’ve never had a dog with such a quantitative mind. He can measure the time in minutes and seconds, and is reassured when I give him a time table. It was cloudy all day, with a few spats of rain showers. It would be so nice if I could recover my heart again and stop overcompensating with excessive intellect. I left my heart behind me in 1987, wounded and bleeding and destitute of hope. On that July 4th weekend the girl dropped the bomb on me, a letter in purple ink breaking off the relationship that never had a future. My first reaction was denial, then anger mixed with shame for having failed in love. But that’s just the rub: for love is not a project that you undertake, not a quarry you hunt down, not a kingdom you conquer. It either comes to you or it doesn’t. Tennessee Williams ends Streetcar with a game of Seven Card Stud: does he mean that love is a game of luck? My interpretation is as good as any other… So I guess there’s no success or failure in the matter of love. It’s not a game of skill, but rather of blind fortune, and no blame or shame to be had if it doesn’t happen. “Please believe I implore you / Spirit flight will restore you / Only love can ignore you / Another fighting heart…”
I feel like giving my mind a rest for a day. Aesop’s muzzle is supposed to arrive tomorrow. Then we can go for a walk outside. I hear “Jacob’s Ladder” in my head. At the heart of my thinking last night was the dichotomy of the University and the Church. It may be a false dichotomy. Perhaps all dichotomies are false. My tendency to create contraries could be a symptom of schizophrenia… I mustn’t forget to take my mask to volunteering today.
Three thirty. I feel really good today. Just one of those things. Who am I to question it? “If you’re the joke of the neighborhood / Why should you care if you’re feeling good? / You take the long way home.” The sun is out and it’s fifty fifty clouds and sun. The church assembly is a truly amazing bunch of folks. We fed close to thirty families this morning. Pastor went out to Cal’s and bought us a box of donuts. I ate two of the applesauce ones. This afternoon I brought out my kit J Bass and played it for a while. It weighs eleven pounds and feels like a ton, but that’s why it sounds so good. For cosmetic reasons, it only needs a little finishing work on the headstock. After Monday I will look into returning the new Fender for a refund. If I’m stuck with it then I’ll sell it. In the future I will trust my own knowledge and experience in choosing an instrument… Damien has just arrived in order to do some yard work. I hope he’s feeling all right…
I went to the church and explained to Pastor that I didn’t feel well due to my medication. He said it was okay for me to go home, so I did. It rained on me, but my umbrella kept most of it off. Pastor still doesn’t understand about schizophrenia. He takes a human and moral approach to knowing people. This doesn’t always work for a person with a chemical imbalance, a brain disease. So I feel kind of sad. I probably should have stayed with my psychiatrist. I don’t think it was Jesus who intervened in my alcoholism. Nobody did, except for me. “All through the years, in the end it appears there was never really anyone but me.” “Take care of those you call your own and keep good company.” Brian May with Queen, “Good Company,” from A Night at the Opera, 1975… I’ve witnessed quite a lot from the phenomenological side of mental health, and now I feel it’s time to move on. I want to know what’s up in the psychiatry world. It might be good to talk to other people with schizophrenia and bipolar. The tinnitus side effect is still with me today. Maybe Todd will switch my medication from Vraylar to Abilify or something I wouldn’t have thought of. But I have to wait until Monday morning to get ahold of him… I’m going to take it easy and stroll over to the market.
My sister accused me once of giving myself only what I wanted. Also, my supervisor said I don’t do the things I don’t want to do. Occasionally these allegations come back to haunt me. What do you call a person who does only what he wants to do? Is that libertinism? Sometimes I don’t care what people say, and other times I stop and think about it. It’s the difference between duty and delight, and sometimes they coincide in the same activity. I know I avoid doing unpleasant chores, and seek out pleasurable things to do. I just don’t know if I can change this. Also I tend to be insubordinate. The euphemism I use for insubordination is freedom. It all depends on what kind of language you use, positive or negative, for the same behavior. Still I don’t think I can change the fact. Not without a lot of therapy. The very thought of therapy fills me with resentment and rebellion. Why should I do what another person tells me to do? I guess I was raised on rock and roll:
What gives you the right, hey you
To stand there and tell me what to do
Tell me, who gave you the power
To stop me from living like I do
Remember if you plan to stay
Those who give can take away
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you
It’s an old song by Steppenwolf called “Power Play.” I was only eight years old when I used to listen to Monster. Perhaps my listening to it created one.
Ten twenty. Still raining and wet. Pastor sent me an email and I replied. Aesop needs canned food. It’s kind of funny the way I’ve been surviving all these years. Very unconventional and a bit rebellious. Polly has said that it’s bachelor living. Is it devil’s advocate behavior? Maybe if I believed in the devil. There are so many things one is supposed to do by the unwritten rules. Like cooking and cleaning. Hygiene. I just blow it off and excuse it with the schizophrenia.
Quarter of noon. I got a little drenched on my excursion to the store. I didn’t take my umbrella, just my rain jacket. Sometimes I think I act just like my mother, and I wonder why. She was so sensitive and thin skinned. She detected an insult lurking in every utterance from other people. And sometimes her paranoia was right. Mostly she needed love, so that’s what I tried to give her.
Doctor Foster went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain
He stepped in a puddle up to his middle
And was never heard from again
Even Einstein posed the question of whether or not the universe is a friendly place. Sartre thought the external world is a big blank, and human perception projects meaning onto it.
Do yourself a favor
Wake up to your mind
Life is what you make it
You see but still you’re blind
Rainy days are perfect for speculation, for pondering big questions and coming out no wiser than before. The life of the mind is not for everyone, but it’s always available to inquiring spirits. Thinking is an end in itself for some.
They seem oblivious to a soft spring rain
Like an English rain
So light yet endless from a leaden sky
I feel half inclined to give Jeff a call and see how he’s doing. But maybe not if he’s stealing stuff and doing crazy things. He doesn’t show much respect for anyone else. Polly is probably right about that. But here I go again, trying to solve problems for the family. A song by Toto comes to mind: “Love Isn’t Always on Time.” And like yesterday, I hear music by Robert Plant internally. “In the Mood” with Phil Collins on drums is unbeatable. Something important must’ve happened when I was seventeen. The 1980s was a weird decade, and high school was unhappy for me. I wasted so much time being sick with mononucleosis and every virus that came along. My self esteem was very low, but in my defense, I had a lot of compassion for others, and very sensitive insight. I felt invisible, as if my particular life was inconsequential, because my parents treated me like dirt. How many hours did I spend alone in my bedroom, listening to music? I got some solace from the music I heard, both from the sweet sounds and the sense of the lyrics. It built my vocabulary and provided an education outside of school. Life was unkind, but the music was humanizing and sympathetic to a person so lonely as me—- and a lot of people who sought mercy and comfort. What it came down to was a sad lack of communication skills on the part of my parents. Thank goodness those days are over. As it is, I was brought up not by parents, but by LP records down in my bedroom, alone with the door closed. And that is something rather remarkable.