Quarter after nine.
My journal writing is getting increasingly Jekyll and Hyde. I even said that eventual relapse to alcoholism may be inevitable. But I didn’t stop to think that maybe I’m doing the wrong things, and this produces bad fruits for my sobriety if not for a larger scope of events. It’s like the old saying, What goes around comes around. Self determination hinges on doing the right things.
A lot of thoughts crowd together in my brain. I rummaged through a box of books and picked out The Essential Browning. I can remember where I got it: I was with my dad at the Gateway Mall, and I believe it was the winter of 1995. I miss my parents sometimes.
One fifty five. I was feeling sick as a dog, so I crashed into bed for two hours. I’m not going to play the bass today… The events of my life before 1997 are a confused blur, perhaps because I didn’t write things down regularly. It shocked me to realize that Robert Browning had total faith in the afterlife. Gradually I learned that a lot of people do. I don’t know whether this belief is simple or complex. At the beginning of March 2020 I went with Karen to Darlene’s funeral and observed the service like an outsider. The daughter gave me a hug but never looked in my eyes or spoke to me. Our paths had diverged since grade school. I feel partly guilty for the track I was on, yet it was out of my hands while we were run through the chute. But today I’m aware that I should have been kinder and friendlier to her rather than awkward and embarrassed when we met each other in her workplaces. As it happened, life took a huge crap on me, which might suggest a kind of retribution for being socially insensitive. Maybe by the same token we can hope to be rewarded for our kindnesses.
When I got to the store, I found that Heather hadn’t made it yet this morning. She slept through her alarm again for the second time. Other customers were also there, trying the door and looking puzzled. I saw it all from the sidewalk and just turned and headed home. I have to go to Bi Mart again today anyway. I can stop by Grocery Outlet for some food. I wonder if Heather is just apathetic about her job? I might avoid that place on weekends after this. It seems that every promise is contingent on circumstances in the future, things we cannot predict. Maybe we should try to override the conditions and keep our agreements anyway. I told Pastor I couldn’t make it to volunteer today because of my medications. Dunno. It’s possible to spiritualize any social situation, or instead just look at physical causes and effects. Which perspective is wiser? I think I’ll just show up at the church and surprise everybody.