Doubt and Affirmation

Two thirty. I read fifty pages of the L’Engle book. Heard no word from anybody from church since my absence. But if I don’t believe in Jesus, I just don’t. God may even exist, but what Jesus has to do with it I don’t know. I don’t believe in a human God. The concept makes no sense to me. The Trinity is absurd, and why do we call God the “Father?” Do we need a paternal figure to take care of us? Or is it better that the universe have no parent? Herman Melville suggests that human beings are the orphans of a godless cosmos. He also raised the same questions I do regarding the situation of Jewish people in the scheme of things. The answers are not easy, but it seems that the most sensible thing is to discard the Bible altogether. As far as there being any supernatural at all, I cannot say. The subconscious is a reality, but the basis for it is probably physical. I don’t see how it could be anything else. Lisa was right about what brought this to a head: the holidays. But moreover I was so beaten down all the time I spent in the trailer. Whatever faith I had exhausted itself before the ordeal was done. All optimism shot to hell. So that faith made no difference either way. If you dance long enough, eventually it will rain. It’s only a function of the passing of time. It remains true however that persistence pays, that endurance is an eternal verity. And of course love is quintessential. Courage is huge. These are indispensable human traits.


Fear & Love

Ten thirty. S— is understanding of my need to move on from the church. It took her a while to accept it, but she sees the light now. I believe that Pastor will see it similarly. My metamorphosis in the trailer is complete and so it’s time to try my wings in the secular world again. I’m likely heading for more drama than I ever asked for in the continuing story of my life since my parents’ deaths. I got over the loss of my mother and kicked my addiction at the same time.

Funny, but I dreamed about Sue’s daughter Catherine minutes ago. I promised to bring a book to church to give to her. Subject: developmental psychology. Sue said Catherine would probably read it. That’s good enough for me. I really begin to see the writing on the wall, and it’s not a bad thing at all. It’s like commencement after graduation: bittersweet with endings and new beginnings.

Church has been a place of initiation for me. I learned a lot of the things I’d been missing before, rules of conduct that my parents had been clueless about. They were not social animals at all, but rather hid away and drank hard liquor. I feel the saddest for my mother, who lived and died friendless but for me. But they had their chance, and as it worked out, they pinned their hopes on me.

I knew a psychologist who called my parents a “couple of duds,” based on my descriptions. There’s some truth to that, and I attribute their failure to a terrible phenomenon called fear. If ever they had looked into their hearts and taken courage, then they would’ve lived worthwhile lives. But this is not a story about my parents. It’s about my own life of hope after fear; of success after derailment; and of love and courage culminating in sanity after mental ill health.

Be Byronic

I’ve gained two new followers today, bringing me up to 180 total. Suzanne thinks my blog is doing great. I dunno; I just post whatever’s on my mind. It doesn’t follow any set patterns or rules. It’s a potpourri all about me. I hope Lisa replies soon, but she has family in Santa Rosa, where the wildfires are now. She’ll be worried about that. I don’t really like her husband very much since the trailer fiasco. He’s been morbidly curious about it a couple of times. I see Lisa as a separate entity from him, regardless of their marriage. People are merely primates anyway, however we may exalt ourselves. We are baboons with religions, polluting the planet with our crap. I gather that ISIS is still up to the same old tricks. Screws are loose in their heads. I’m not a scientist, but I subscribe to its findings. Kate was right: I was nuts to join a church. It was just a convenient way to make friends, but on the price of what I know. Church, like AA, is free of charge and widely available— for better or worse. Beggars can’t be choosers, they say, but it’s a shame that people are misinformed at the lower strata of society. “We all know that crap is king / Eat your dirty laundry.” God makes people feel good, I guess, but the implausible is hard to stake your life on. If you let go and let God, you have a 50:50 chance of a good result. That’s no better than random. If you want better outcomes, then you need to navigate your ship. Be a Lord Byron with your life. Have the balls to go for what you want while you have the opportunity. Don’t end up having regrets for what you didn’t do. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Go for all the marbles when it really counts. Never say die, and when that time comes, die fighting.

An Old Yes Album

Quarter of midnight 🕛. Slept for four hours. Aesop is giving me the eye 👁. He probably wants to go outside, but I’m putting him off for a while. With the pressure off me a little, the terrible schizophrenic thoughts have died down. I had been thinking that doomsday was near, my own demise imminent. I don’t feel very creative with words right now. I was validated for my music today, and that’s what I’m inclined to keep doing. Playing music with someone else who is good feels a lot better than one hand tapping a smartphone. For a bass player, drummers are the best to jam with…

Accomplishing something today was worth a little pain of anxiety. Of course the world didn’t come to an end. Fear is unreasoning, but the heart says stick it out, and the original word for courage also means heart ❤️. It seems to me the heart is more rational than the mind. When the mind fails me, I ignore it and listen to my heartbeat. If the heart alone did the thinking, good things would get done. It would be our first step toward a better way of living. “As long as we see there’s only us who can change it, only us to rearrange it at the start of a new kind of day.” “Soon we’ll be as he proclaimed in a new way of living. Take the things you need in life but remember the giving.” Both of these songs are on Time and a Word, one of my favorite Yes albums. Listen to it to be eternally young!