For most of the day yesterday I wrestled with a guilty conscience for having missed Christmas Eve service. So I thrashed out my feelings and thoughts on paper until, at ten o’clock tonight, I felt better. The important thing is that conscience is merely part of yourself— although others may try to manipulate it to get the results they desire. I came to the conclusion that the church pastor makes his emotions everyone else’s business and vice versa, disrespecting our boundaries in the interest of the church “family.” His collectivism operates at an emotional level as well as intellectual. But the problem with that is he doesn’t encourage independence and growth as much as enmeshment that suffocates each individual.
Well anyway, Christmas is over with, and symbolically, I wheeled my trash out to the curbside for pickup this morning. Out with the old, in with the new. I don’t know what I’d resolve for the New Year; usually I forget what I said the year before.
I don’t feel very good this morning. I think it’s just a mood. Blogging is getting on my nerves again because of the crossfire, the reactions from person to person. I don’t care so much about the social media aspect of blogging. Again, I only want to write well… Vicki was in a testy mood also. Ahead of me at the cashier was a tall homeless man with a Siberian looking dog. He was carrying a backpack and bedroll on his back. His brown hair was bound in a pigtail behind. He paid honestly with cash. I didn’t feel much different from this guy. “With diamonds and gold in hand / Will barter while the homeless burn / Someday will it be our turn?” When he was gone, Vicki shared with me her woes: a cyst on her wrist and being overdue for a vacation. Add to that the tumor on her brain. It got my morning off to a depressing start. My sister used to chide me for considering my own feelings first. But how can anyone ignore their own feelings? She was too extreme about being egoless. It was unnatural for me. Her criticisms got into my mind and turned into a guilty conscience that wouldn’t leave me alone. I could just as easily judge her for being ignorant… and I often do. It’s beginning to rain, which is nice because it means cooler temperatures. Roger was polishing his truck again this morning— and now it’s raining. Somehow this seems illogical… The hissing in my ears is very bad right now, and I slept poorly. My boundaries feel violated. It might be good to be left alone today.