Language and Lost Time

Quarter of nine at night.

I had a series of bad dreams of being persecuted, but why is harder to nail down. It was because of my inquiring intellect that a man was trying to poison me. He believed that I was not a team player but some sort of traitor. The setting for the dream resembled the shipping and lab areas at my old workplace long ago. Was I really guilty of a crime, or was it just my presence or existence that raised the alarm?

After my nightmare, I got up and checked the thermostat, whose clock said “21:11.” Then I made a little discovery. The cover to the last Rush CD shows a clock that indicates “9:12,” or in military time, 21:12. Either by chance or by design, the birthdate of my sobriety was September 12, or 9/12 of 2017. I guess I should listen to Clockwork Angels. As it stands, I’ve got the CD still in the plastic for a kind of time capsule. And maybe I should save it for later.

Nine thirty five.

Now I’m thinking that I’ve been through the mill with this illness and for a long time, with alcohol. No one knows exactly what causes schizophrenia: it runs in families, but also they guess it has something to do with immune system problems. Its onset is triggered by stress. All I know is it’s a pain in the derrière. Sometimes in my sleep I remember the hospital stays in 2016 for alcohol withdrawals and other health complications, like arrhythmia as a side effect of antipsychotic medication. I lost track of how many times I’d been in the hospital for these issues and suicidal ideation; it blurred together in one big nightmare. But luckily I never went to jail and by a fluke I’m still alive and able to write this. Only a couple of times did I lose my coherence: my facility for language mostly stayed intact, even through the looniest experiences. Thus the light of language is by far my greatest blessing, because without communication a schizophrenic is really screwed.


4 thoughts on “Language and Lost Time

  1. Have you read about Jung’s views on schizophrenia? I know you’re not a fan, but I just wondered what you thought. What I recall about it is he thought schizophrenics basically didn’t have the filter (or it was somehow biologically damaged) that separates the unconscious and consciousness. Not sure how accurate my recollection is, though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There’s actually something to the logical filter idea.

      Have you read a poem by Richard Wilbur called “A Hole in the Floor”? It’s a great little metaphor. You might find it posted on the web somewhere.

      Thanks for your comment! See you around.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Love the poem. Funny, even now, decades after I began deconstructing and reconstructing building interiors, I still feel what Wilbur describes here; the mystery behind the wall/floor, etc… Peering inside…it’s like an instinct.

        Liked by 1 person

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