Decisions

So my mom’s birthday marks the climax of my decision to leave the church. Friday afternoon I was getting nervous about the worship service for that night. I couldn’t understand why. I thought maybe it was because I was riding with R—, but how was that an anxious thing? But when we got to the church I felt like quite a hypocrite or an imposter. Add to that the sermon on the wheat and the weeds and I grew very fearful. I definitely felt like a weed planted among the others by the Evil One. From there I became psychotic for the rest of the night, finally arriving at my email to Pastor saying I was done with the church. Funny but R— told me I looked good and healthy when she saw me. A paradox, I guess.

Two thirty 🕝. So what’s next? I lasted five years in my job, three years in the church; now I need a new gig. Maybe someone on WordPress has an idea of where I can go for an activity? Proofreading for Gutenberg used to be fun, but I took it as far as I could go. This moment is kind of exciting for me, because I have so many options open. I could probably get myself a laptop and then work from home doing something with my writing skills. Why didn’t D— think of that? So many times I’ve been let down by professional helpers who gave me bad advice. He thought I should work with senior citizens, but that would have been totally wrong for me. Even my sister thought so. I think it comes down to my own judgment and self knowledge. And I think my verbal facility is my vehicle to the next project.

4 thoughts on “Decisions

  1. That church leaving story is very similar to mine in the psychological and/or spiritual level. Worse, I eventually found myself in a leadership position in the campus ministry… Perhaps I lacked the faith, or the prayer time…But I wasn’t feeling spirit-led…I wasn’t living Spirit-led. Gosh it was all too much Rob. But I hope that before I leave this Earth, I find whatever it is that was/is lacking…whether in me, or wherever.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes. You might like the writing of Hermann Hesse. Just another example of a writer who had to learn his own truth. Narcissus and Goldmund is a good book, imo, and Siddhartha. But every book is but a mirror of the reader. Keep writing, Chris.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m in a similar position at this very moment in life. I’m just done with the things I’ve been, and I’m done with trying to live up to a standard of “goodness”. The people in church are just as messed up as everyone else, they just believe it’s okay because they have Jesus as a crutch. Pfff. Anyway, I’m also trying to understand what this life is all about in its infinite aspects, and searching for the next chapter. You seem to have a good grip on truths of humanity, so maybe you could do something with that? I like your input. Sure others do too. Enjoy your freedom to decide what is best for you. I just hope your religious recovery isn’t as ugly as mine has been!

    Liked by 1 person

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