Obscure, Boring Post about Myself

Quarter of two. I really like my new bass. The pickup configuration makes it sound like the Fender I owned over thirty years ago. I was very creative with that instrument and it was a good time in my life. I feel younger again today, more alive, fresher and more human. I don’t feel repressed or suppressed, but give myself the license to just be who I am. I’ve opened the back door to let in fresh air. If it turns out that I’m gay then I’ll live out my fate. The most important thing is fidelity to myself. I want to remember everything I once hid from my awareness. My senses are open and receptive, and I feel as if the sunshine belongs to me equally with everyone else. The god of nature is my friend as he is everyone’s… I’m doing the food pantry tomorrow morning and it should be fun… I am quite convinced that the unconscious exists, though it has been given many different names. I also believe there is a superconscious, a mode of transcendence of the natural world. The ability of the human will to override physical existence I think is very interesting. When I was 21 I experienced the full spectrum of mental states, with the natural instincts kept in a box down below and my reason creating an ideal of what ought to be. This condition was both Platonic and Kantian. And although it may have been self deluding, it made me feel happy for about a year.

Quarter of three. And you know, the tradition of speculative philosophy in the West has been consistent with regard to rational transcendence of nature. Since Plato, the concern has been with self control and restraint. Renaissance writers like Sir Philip Sidney echoed the Platonic notion of reason ruling over the passions and weeding out impulses that didn’t make sense. Or maybe Sidney was ironic with his allusions to Plato? I need to go back and read all of The Old Arcadia as I was assigned to do in college but didn’t. Sidney took some risks by hinting at the potential for homosexual love… Youth was a difficult time for me. It took me until I was 26 years old to begin to admit the instincts locked up in my box. But by that time I was already diagnosed with schizophrenia…

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