Gloom

Toward noon. I’ve been to the store and back. Roger exchanged words with me. He said the lockdown isn’t affecting him. But we agreed that we want it to be over with. While in the store, I deliberated over the kind of soda to buy. I voted down anything with caffeine. Finally I got a root beer. The sun came out after a cloudy morning.

I couldn’t motivate myself to do the food pantry today. Lacked the energy. Pastor said he would call me later today. I can sort of remember the religious delusions I used to have, as they pertained to music. That was no fun. And the delusions extended to races and ethnicities of people around the world in the most shocking way. It was a kind of fundamentalism that made no sense. Although, I think my sister would agree with it. She probably needs to be on antipsychotic.

I’d forgotten that my delusions interfered with my music for many years. I don’t feel very well today. I hate schizophrenia. I don’t like the phenomenon of religion much better. If we could level it all down to the literal, life would be tolerable. This would be honest and not a delusion. Scientific certainty is the truth. And yet people want a moral truth, and rules of conduct. They try to make this an absolute. Good luck! No one has ever succeeded in doing that. The rules are different from culture to culture… I wish I felt better. On a beautiful day, here I am feeling pretty lousy. But as they say, tomorrow’s another day.

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