Traveled Road

Midnight hour. Anyway I’m glad I bought a new copy of Baldwin. And I really am pretty sick of the church. I should trust my literary instincts and live my life accordingly. The world of Christendom around me is vapid and insipid. It offers me nothing but dust and gravel and cigarette butts all along Maxwell Road. Up N Park Avenue still stands my old junior high school, where my education really began. Honors English spent a few weeks on Lord of the Flies, sort of the pivotal reading for the whole year. But I think my favorite book in ninth grade was A Separate Peace, a story of jealousy and envy working at an irrational level…

Interesting how I can remember feelings and images from the past when it’s the dead of night. In daylight I can remember nothing. Church service went on this morning without me. I’m about ready to pitch it in. I’ve never believed in Jesus in my heart. Even when I was 15 years old, I attended a Catholic wedding and felt very uncomfortable, especially during the Catechism. People knelt down and prayed fervently, but I saw nothing else, and felt nothing but anxiety. It was weird to see grownups acting like this. Although, that same summer I had a little emotional awakening. I realized that I loved my friends, probably in a bisexual way, never mind that they let me down. They lied to me and gave me the double shuffle. One of them remained true. I was profoundly depressed that fall, going into high school. But while my education kept going, that of my friends ceased. They made a go of being rockstars…

I guess now I have no regrets. I’m glad for the knowledge I’ve gained over the years, though it’s a little lonely having it. Most people are disinterested in being wise. They only have time for making money and for raising children who in turn will make more money, and so on. I’ve sort of become a lone philosopher, full of information no one needs. I see all this frenzied activity around me, but my impulse is to sit and wonder, to ponder how and why…

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