Through with the Two Step

Nine thirty.

It was sort of a nothing day today, or anyway, nothing on my plate. The rain was constant but light, not torrential. My only excursion was to the same old places on Maxwell Road. I got a great haircut, however. One thing I notice about my thinking is the absence of paranoid thoughts. I can detect them and weed them out with hardly any effort… except when I’m under high stress, as I was in the situation with D—-. I felt trapped in the job search thing. I feel glad that I let myself off the hook before I was in over my head. There’s a lot to be said for authenticity of motive and action. Your heart will tell you when things are right or wrong. My symptoms acted up, so that told me I was making a mistake. And then the final meeting with him was so uncomfortable, with me having an episode on the spot. He thought it was a real religious experience; asked me if the devil was punishing me. He had no idea what happens with schizophrenia. It was embarrassing for him. It’s only a disease, which people with Christian beliefs will never understand in a million years. My sister thinks the delusions are real, too. The ignorance of these people takes my breath away. Being stuck in S—- Lane was the worst experience of my whole life. Even my old psychiatrist is blameworthy for such a mistake. I could never convince him of how intensely religious the program was. He was on the advisory board for the organization, which probably means he got kickbacks. He was fully as corrupt as they were rich. Now, S—- Lane has built a sprawling “campus” in the tiny town of C—-, and refuses certain kinds of health insurance. They want cash out of pocket. In return, clients get indoctrinated with absolute bullshit… That does it, I’m skipping church tomorrow. I don’t care what they think. It’s not a good place for a person with schizophrenia. I can’t take any more.

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