Quarter after ten.
It’s been raining again. I tried to sleep, with little or no success. It is tough being alone with religious delusions. The odd thing is that my psychotic ideas sound intelligent and even plausible. Vraylar seems to take them and refine them into coherence. The thoughts I’m having are much like what I experienced in high school, before I started drinking alcohol. I was always depressed and felt inferior to my peers for being unpopular, like a geek. I had a very low self esteem. No one ever appreciated me except for my teachers; the student body ignored me completely. I don’t think I really belonged in a high school setting. When I entered college I found a lot more nerds like myself, but we all had high intelligence, and the old high school mentality was confined to the Greek system. Nowadays I’m sort of back to being in the high school world again. Very few people can relate to the smart things I have to say. I admit that my personality is saturnine and too serious for most people, but I can forgive myself. The blogging community drives me a little nuts with its pleasantries and sunshine — when reality just doesn’t work that way, if you are honest. I see people who try to give inexpert advice, try to sell a product, and make fools of themselves. My only project is to communicate with people about my life with schizophrenia. It is less to prescribe than to describe what I go through every day. The more personal, the more powerful. I suppose it’s an uphill battle being honest with people. The psychiatrist I left behind coached me to keep the illness a secret, but my morals objected to the dishonesty… I feel angry and frustrated with this community for its thoughtless lemon drops and lollipops, and sometimes I even consider hanging up blogging entirely. I would issue a challenge to every one of you to just for once write something that isn’t a brainless greeting card. The world could stand to be so refreshed.