Doubt and Affirmation

Two thirty. I read fifty pages of the L’Engle book. Heard no word from anybody from church since my absence. But if I don’t believe in Jesus, I just don’t. God may even exist, but what Jesus has to do with it I don’t know. I don’t believe in a human God. The concept makes no sense to me. The Trinity is absurd, and why do we call God the “Father?” Do we need a paternal figure to take care of us? Or is it better that the universe have no parent? Herman Melville suggests that human beings are the orphans of a godless cosmos. He also raised the same questions I do regarding the situation of Jewish people in the scheme of things. The answers are not easy, but it seems that the most sensible thing is to discard the Bible altogether. As far as there being any supernatural at all, I cannot say. The subconscious is a reality, but the basis for it is probably physical. I don’t see how it could be anything else. Lisa was right about what brought this to a head: the holidays. But moreover I was so beaten down all the time I spent in the trailer. Whatever faith I had exhausted itself before the ordeal was done. All optimism shot to hell. So that faith made no difference either way. If you dance long enough, eventually it will rain. It’s only a function of the passing of time. It remains true however that persistence pays, that endurance is an eternal verity. And of course love is quintessential. Courage is huge. These are indispensable human traits.

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