Moody Monday

I had a dream about drinking glass after glass of cheap wine here in my home. Vicki was in the dream, feeling like an accomplice to a crime, worrying her brains out. She said something about the smell of the wine and I began to feel guilty… It reminds me that there is always the danger of relapse. One should never be complacent about sobriety. It also makes me wonder about mental freedom in the case of alcoholism. Is it possible that God is responsible for my two years of sobriety? Being unaware of God doesn’t mean that he doesn’t exist. This idea reminds me of something.

Yesterday morning on my way to church I met a young woman who asked me for a cigarette. I politely told her I didn’t have one and proceeded on. But I saw that she put her face in her hand and I stopped and asked her if she was okay. She said that two of her tires had been slashed. I asked her if she had a phone and someone she could call. Apparently she did, yet she looked rather paralyzed and stuck. She thanked me for asking about her and I went away… It’s just little encounters like this that make me pause and think. When people are in trouble, is there a divine reason for them being thrown in my way?

Ten forty. And then there’s the whole circumstance of me having my home restored to me in the wake of such a struggle with addiction. God disapproves of substance abuse but rewards those who recover. Is that the truth? It’s so difficult to tell. There are things I can feel, but verbal dissection renders them two dimensional and lifeless…

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