A Depression

Four thirty. I fell into a depression a few hours ago. My power as an individual had waned to a low point. But now I see that my individuality is exactly what I need to get through this life. I don’t care for collectivism of the Jungian kind. I value personal freedom a la Sartre. This means the liberty to expand my use of the language any way I want. Freedom in the abstract is just that. No freedom, no hope for the future. My perceptions are my own, and I believe in original thought, long after the legacy of Plato. Some people say don’t reinvent the wheel, but I think the wheel is just a circle, and circularity entails the end of progress. Mostly right now I want my house back, but what it represents doesn’t have to be reunion with my family or with anybody. Let’s overthrow Trump and get over regression to the 1950s American way. What makes people want to live in the past? Young people hold the key to our future; let them be heard and let them lead! I can’t tolerate the bondage of family anymore. Sandburg said the past is a bucket of ashes, and that’s how I began sobriety this time. It wasn’t my intention to curve around and rejoin my sister’s people. Rather it was to empower myself and give myself a voice to speak out about right and wrong. I hate the racism I see in the world. I hate the intolerance I encounter of mentally ill people. And homeless people deserve respect and dignity as human beings. Life should be about equality and freedom and justice. I deem it an atrocity that old conservatives control the world with an iron fist, and a fistful of cash. What do the young have to say about that? Let them be heard… In my personal family dynamics, I am the youngest of three, and the one who tends to be squelched by the others. But the youngest one is also the most independent, the freest spirit. I refuse to be kept down and forced to conform. When the old ways are broken, they need fixing. I’m not sure what I would do to change the world, but I know I need to be free from my dysfunctional family. They keep reeling me in, only to have me break away again. Is there a pattern here to see? I was always rock and roll and rebellious youth to my folks. I don’t see that ever being eradicated in me. The spirit comes from the devil, perhaps, but that’s the way of innovation and progress. It doesn’t scare me anymore because it’s part of the grand scheme of things, even in my horoscope. And I see continuity of rebelliousness throughout my whole life. Just put the bass guitar in my hands and I’ll make you dance… When I’m back in my house and things are average again, I will practice my bass every day, whip my chops into shape. Then eventually something like order will be restored to my life, depression gone.

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