Decisions and Divisions

It’s already warm outside, the sun beating fiercely down. I was shocked when I learned that Care Credit had closed my account. I feared I might be in trouble because I still owed them about $200. They don’t seem interested in getting it back yet. Should I call them? I remember opening that account to be able to pay Henry’s vet bills about ten years ago. His health issues were multiplying and he needed a lot of care. I also remember how I felt when Polly was so eager to wipe the slate clean of the past with Henry the Pug. I was angry! I hoarded things that reminded me of him and, really, my mother. Polly tried to rush the grieving process but that of course didn’t work. I hated her for that. She couldn’t wait to see Henry euthanized, and that made me sick. But whatever came and went, I resolved never to join with her branch of the family. I will always identify myself with my parents and not with the redneck clan represented by my sister. It’s a very hurtful thing to be a part of. Polly can’t help being ignorant; can’t reverse the decision she made when she was eighteen. It’s too late now. But neither can I reverse my own decisions at the same age. I wasn’t even aware that I’d made a choice, but obviously I did. Alcohol masked a lot of things I was responsible for. But to return: Henry symbolized my life with my parents, which was completely separate from the rest of the family. My sister was eager to sweep him and my identity aside forever; but that will never happen. It isn’t that simple. I’m an educated guy, regardless of whether my parents are alive or dead. If she could, Polly would give me a psychic lobotomy to make me like herself. She would try to turn back the clock to when I was in grade school. She says to my brother, “Why can’t we just go back?” Jeff agrees with me that going backwards is impossible. It all stems from decisions we all made when we were young. Even though I feel badly about the division of my family, I would make the same decision again.

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