Flux

About eleven o’clock 🕚. It dawns on me that the schizophrenia is very much under control now. It could be the worst disease known to humankind for all the soul crushing it does. It sucks! But thank goodness for Vraylar and the people who invented it. As the healing proceeds, my personality comes out unmistakably, pounded into shape like a red hot lump of steel into a horseshoe. I can remember how I was blamed for being self absorbed and a lot of other useless name calling. It was mere mud slinging. I don’t think the hard feelings between us will ever go away. Might as well forget it, but some regret remains. We’re talking about my blood relations! Most people wouldn’t conceive of writing off their family. But I did what I had to do in order to thrive. I took some nice pictures of the house and the trailer this evening. You can see Aesop’s face in the dinette window. Very cute. Captured in a photo file forever. Just patiently waiting and watching for me. It makes me a little emotional to see Aesop frozen in a picture. Like thinking that someday he will only be a memory. But it’s good that appropriate emotions are coming back to me. For years I could feel nothing. I really wish I could patch it up with my family, but I don’t see how that’s possible. It’s hard facing life all alone. The springboard I have is not blood related. We inflicted so much damage and pain on each other. I don’t know why. It was probably over money, the common denominator for most people. At some subconscious level even I’m aware of the value of money. But I wouldn’t kill or die for it. Would I have thrown myself out of a skyscraper window like a stockbroker when the big crash happened in the 1930s? Somehow I doubt it. Somehow I think I would’ve wandered off home and waited for the tide to change. Nothing lasts forever, not even depression. Not even schizophrenia. “All things must pass.”

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2 thoughts on “Flux

  1. Thanks Chris. And faith can be as simple as the optimism that everything is going to work out okay every time. And even if not, then it still will work out okay. And if not, then still… to infinity.

    Schizophrenia is not easy to live with but it helps that I’ve had it all my life and can discern the difference between me and what is the illness.. My former religious delusions would’ve scared the bravest people to death. But things are turning around so that I see clearly how I should’ve been seeing all along. Sort of like learning that I’d needed glasses to see the chalkboard.

    Liked by 1 person

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